Searching for the answers

Speechless

2007-09-20T03:22:00.000-07:00

I'm at a loss for words right now.

Life threw me a curve ball last Friday night, hitting me strait in the chest, taking my breath away- and I'm still trying to catch it.

My grandma's sick. Very, very sick actually. She has leukemia and she's dying.

I'm 7,000 miles away, without any friends or family close by and all I want is for someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me its going to be OK. But that's not going to happen- at least not anytime soon.

I'm trying to be strong, really, I am. I know I need to focus on the positives- remembering the good times, being thankful for our road trip to Oklahoma that we took this summer, finding comfort in knowing that she is not in any pain and is resting comfortably at home. But you know what, I CAN'T!

I'm pissed! I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm BEYOND devastated and there isn't anything that anyone can do or say to make this any better. I just don't understand how she can be so deathly sick- yet, just two months ago, she was perfectly fine.

Of course I knew that this day would eventually come, but I never expected it to happen like this, with me being so far away and feeling so helpless and not being able to say goodbye or even give her one last hug and kiss.

What's even worse is the fact that before I decided to go to France, one of my biggest hesitations was leaving for an entire year because, heaven forbid, what would i do if something happened to grandma or grandpa while i was away? Well, looks like I'm about to find out.

I'm sorry this is such an angry and depressing entry, but this is the best way for me to make sense of my feelings right now. So please, if you wouldn't mind, say a little prayer for my Grandma Becky and my family, because we could really use it right now.

This is just the beginning...

2007-09-07T05:27:00.000-07:00

Dreaming Of You Tonight

2007-09-06T05:12:00.000-07:00

I plug in the headphones and turn up the volume.

As "Radio Classique" begins to fill my room with its soothing melodies, a sigh of relief slips out from underneath my breath and I slowly realize that I have survived yet another day.

The children are in bed. The dishes are clean. And I am finally free.

It's only the end of day 14, but these last two weeks have felt like an eternity. With hundreds of emotions running through my mind every second of every day, I can't help but be exhausted. But for some reason or another, a sense of calm has overcome me tonight, and I find myself thinking not of Paris, or of how far away I am, or of how difficult things have been, but of something far more important.

Tonight, all I care to think about is my family.

As I listen to the music, I close my eyes and immediately see my father sitting outside on his patio, reading a book, with his wife by his side and their littlest playing out in the yard. In another instant, I can see my mom and John sitting out on the back porch over looking the beatiful waters of the bay, watching the sun go down as they drink their wine and enjoy each others company.

I know that I may be thousands of miles away, but, at least for tonight, I feel as though I am right there beside them.

So to all of my family and friends out there, I want you to know that I not only keep you close in my heart, but also in my dreams.

Good night and sleep tight.

I've Made It

2007-08-30T05:17:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to let you know that I'm in paris now...I arrived a week ago and things have been non-stop ever since. Not exactly sure what I'm feeling write now---I'm just a rollercoaster of emotions at the moment, hoping I've made the right decision.

Anyway, I have no internet connection at the house. Somehow, when they told me they were moving into a new home they forgot to tell me that they are REMODELING. So things are really a mess---we have no tv, no computer, no telephone--nothing! But hopefully things will get finished fairly quickly. In the meantime, I've made McDonald's my home-away-from-home... completely loving it's free internet connection!

Anyway, I have to run, but just wanted to let you know I've made it. And hopefully I'll be able to get back to blogging before too long.

All my best!

A Thin Slice of Heaven

2007-08-19T19:45:00.001-07:00

You say Goodbye, and I say Hello

2007-08-03T09:43:00.000-07:00

That's pretty much what it's been like these last few weeks: goodbye, after goodbye, after goodbye.

But I'm doing alright, surprisingly.

I left Arizona on an early Tuesday morning with my air conditioning on high and my home made cd's blaring in the background. With thousands of miles of open road before me and 23 years of memories behind me, I was off.

As I drove out of town a slight smile began to creep along my face.

"Wow," I thought to myself, "I'm doing this. I'm really, really doing this."

In just a few short weeks, the goodbyes will all be over and it will finally be time to say hello.

Hello to Paris. Hello to adventure. Hello to my new life.

Cry Me a River

2007-07-12T17:09:00.000-07:00

Reality didn't just hit me last night, it slapped me across the face.

I have been fighting back several months worth of emotions and last night I couldn't fight them back any longer, I had to let them all out.

So I cried.

And I cried.

And I even cried some more.

I don't understand how something I am so excited about and so passionate about, can make me feel more upset than I've felt in a really, REALLY long time. I knew it was going to be difficult saying goodbye, but holy crap, I didn't think it would be this hard---and I've still got a month to go!

Actually, I'm leaving my home in a week and taking a road trip out to see my dad for 2 weeks and then on to my mom's for two weeks, where I will then fly to Paris in August- so really, I only have about 10 days.

My boyfriend (whom I have been with for over 7 years now) and I have been fighting that inevitable "So what do you want to do when I'm gone? Break up or stay together" talk for a while now, and last night I attempted to break the ice. And it sucked.

Deep down I think we both know what we need to do, but neither of us want to say it out loud because once you voice it, it becomes real.

If I had my way, I would want it to play out like this: I go to Paris. I have the time of my life. I do whatever I want with whomever I want (that is, if I want to). Meanwhile, back in the states, Kyle stays home. He doesn't go out with his friends. And he DEFINITELY doesn't meet any other girls.

YEAH FREAKING RIGHT! We both know that's not going to happen, nor is it fair to expect him to sit at home and wait for me until I come back.

I just keep telling myself, "If it's meant to be, it's meant to be." But that's just a cop out.

In reality, I am scared to tears that this might actually be the end for us. What if I go over there, realize that he really is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with, but when I come home, he's met someone else and no longer wants to be with me?!?!?!? What I wouldn't give to be able to see into the future right now--at least I would have a little more peace of mind, regardless of the outcome.

So for the next 10 days I have a feeling my eyes are going to be puffy and red from all of the crying, but I'm going to try my hardest to enjoy the time that I have left before I leave. Wish me luck!

To the men in my life

2007-06-17T21:04:00.000-07:00

Its days like today that really remind me of how truly blessed I am. I have been given the gift of having four incredible men in my life who have shaped me into the person that I am today and who will continue to be the role models that I admire and look up to for the rest of my life.

John- From the moment my mom heard your voice on the other end of the phone, we knew she was in love- and it wasn't that much longer until you won over the hearts of us all. With your teddy-bear hugs and your glowing smile, you welcomed us all with open arms. You have brought back the light in my mom's beautiful eyes; a light that had been dimmed ever since my parents divorce. You love my mom more than anything in the world, and I am honored and grateful to say that you show the same amount of love and affection to my brothers and me. I think I can speak for all three of us when I say Thank you. Thank you for everything that you do, and continue to do, for the boys and myself. Wishing you a wonderful Father's Day filled with lots of love and kindness! I love you, John!

Gpa Les- It's hard for me to express in words just how much you mean to me. You have always been viewed as a hero in my eyes; not just because of your courageous efforts in WWII, but because of the manner in which you care for all of those around you. You have always put everyone else before you, making sure they have all been taken care of before taking the time to treat yourself. You have one of the biggest hearts I have ever known and you would do anything, for anybody. Your kindness shines bright from within and I only wish more people in this world were like you. The love that you and Gma share is proof that there really is such a thing as soulmates and it gives me the reassurance that "true love" really does, and can, exist, even in today's divorce-prone society. You have taught me more than you will ever know, and more than I can ever repay you for; I am eternally grateful to have the honor of calling you my Grandpa. To my hero, Happy Father's Day, Gpa Les!!!

Gpa Bob- From the very beginning, you've always made me laugh. With your sarcastic sense of humor and your contagious laugh, you've kept me smiling for 23 years. Through the good times and the bad, you've always been there. Whether it was a hug, a smile, or simply throwing up our peace signs, you've always managed to make me feel better. Although you may not agree with some of my decisions as of late, I know it is only because you want the best for me. That's what makes our relationship so great- the fact that you can tell me what you think, I can tell you what I think, and no matter how similar or different our opinions might be, I know that you'll never, ever, stop loving me! You are an incredible man, Gpa Bob, and I pray everyday that I will be fortunate enough in my life to experience the same kind of love that you and Gma have shared for over 50 years. If I can show my family the same kind of love that you have given throughout the years, I know I will have lived an extraordinary life. I love you so much, Gpa, and don't you ever, ever, forget that. Happy Father's Day!

And last but not least, to the most important man in my life, my Father.

Dad- Where do I even begin??? There are not enough words to express how much I love you. You have made so many sacrifices over the years just to make sure that the boys and I always have the best and never have to worry about anything. You sacrificed everything that you had in order to provide a stable environment for the boys and I during the most unstable period of our lives, all those years ago. No matter how near or far we are from one another, I always know that you're there for me, whether you're just down the road or on the other end of the phone line. I know I may not say it enough, but I CHERISH the relationship that we have. As much as I hate the distance that is between us, I honestly believe that it has made us closer. Whether its an intense hour-long conversation about life, or just a quick 5 minute call to inform me about "man's inhumanity to man" (haha), your phone calls always put a smile on my face. You are always there when I need someone to talk to- telling me exactly how you feel, but still giving me the freedom to form my own opinion- even if it's not the same as yours. I love you sooooooooo muchy, baby, and I will forever be your baby girl! Happy Father's Day, Dad! Love Always, Doods

Kinda like baking soda and tomato juice

2007-06-14T20:41:00.000-07:00

If you've ever been a blond, you're well aware of our love-hate relationship with chlorine.

As the summer heat rises to a sweltering 110 degrees, most of us can only find relief in one thing; our swimming pools. As a native Arizonan, I am more than thankful for chlorine- without it, there would be no birthday parties at waterparks or lazy Saturday afternoons spent lounging by the pool; for our crystalline pools would look like a Florida swampland covered in green fungus with god-knows-what lurking beneath the surface. Unfortunately, this chemical that is supposed to keep our swimming pools free from any green algae does the exact opposite to our hair color- it turns it green!

For the last week, I have been walking around the office, listening to my co-workers tell me how awful my hair looks.

"Danielle, I am so sorry, but your hair looks HORRIBLE!"

"Oh man! What did you do? Your hair looks like green horse hair."

Alright- I got it, I HAVE GREEN HAIR!!! So to attempt to fix this problem I went to the local beauty shop and asked for some help. After some contemplating, I decided to opt for the cheaper bottle of chlorine-eliminating shampoo- only after having been promised by the clerk that it would work "just as well as the expensive brand". Well, low and behold, it did nothing except for make my hair look like green straw. So today I finally did what I should've done in the first place- I called my hairdresser.

"You're kidding me right?" I said to the man on the other end.

"No seriously, just mix them both together, let them sit in your hair for 5 minutes, rinse thoroughly, and you'll be as good as new!"

Alright I thought to myself- better go and find me some baking soda and tomato juice...

Well, now it is 9 o'clock at night and I have yet to unwrap the towel that covers up my hair. What's it going to be? Green? Blond? ORANGE?!?!?! I'm almost too afraid to look. But before I sign off, I guess I should try and get to the point of my story.

This whole concoction really got me thinking; life is kind of like baking soda and tomato juice: Just when you think two things couldn't be more wrong for each other, they surprise us and form together to make perfect sense (and if you're lucky, they might even make you blond!)

Is it wrong to dream?

2007-06-14T09:51:00.001-07:00

I've been a dreamer all of my life- always dreaming about exciting adventures around the world, falling in love with my prince charming and living a life full of love and luxury- but at times I wonder if all of this dreaming is setting me up for disappointment?

If I don't exactly "fulfill" my dreams the way that I've always planned, am I going to be unhappy? Or do these dreams give me the strength and perseverance I need in order to conquer the world?

Sometimes I think my dreams are what get me through the day. They offer the perfect escape from reality when I need it the most. Instead of the monotony of the day, I can slip away for a few minutes and dream about whatever I want...in a flash, I'm sitting in the grass underneath the Eiffel Tower, reading a book in French while my true love runs his hands through my hair and stares at me with loving eyes.

But there are other times when I feel my dreams are holding me back. I want to be successful. I'm not sure in exactly what field, but whatever it is, I want to be the best. In my dreams, I'm already at the top, traveling the world for business and getting to do all of the "glamorous" stuff that comes along with being at the top. But in reality, I don't get to start at the top; I have to start at the bottom--something my dreams never prepared me for.

So what if my dreams never become reality? Will I be disappointed if all of my dreams don't come true? Or will I be appreciative of what I have, knowing that no matter what happens, no matter where I may be, I can always take a break to dream...

Reality knows how to bite

2007-06-06T13:40:00.000-07:00

After the initial excitement surpasses, reality begins to sink it's grimy little teeth into my skin.

I'm leaving.

I'm moving thousands and thousands of miles away. From everything; from everyone.

I'm living with people I've never met, in a town I know nothing about, where they speak French- not English.

I'm leaving behind 23 years of friends, 23 years of family, 7 years with my first love, and a lifetime full of security in knowing that I have family close by if I ever need them.

Over there I will be alone,perhaps not in love or spirit, but in reality.

But surprisingly, at least for today, I think I am okay with all of this...

Third times a charm!

2007-06-04T12:05:00.000-07:00

OH...MY...GOSH!!!! I can NOT believe that this is finally happening!!!! I GOT MY FAMILY!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!

I am freaking out right now- so please forgive me for my childlike writing; I am just WAAAAYYYYYYY too excited to think at this particular moment.

Alright, let me try and calm down so that I can give you a little more insight into the situation. I will be taking care of 3 boys (Lord help me!), ages 10, 7 and 5- but luckily all three will be starting school the first of September. I will only be working evenings (expect for Wednesday when I will work mornings since the boys don't have school that day). The family would like me to arrive around the end of August and I am supposed to stay until the end of July 2008! Woa! I will be living with the family as they are moving from Paris to a small suburb just west of the city this summer- but I have been assured by the family that it is very, VERY easy to get to and from Paris- I'll only be about 5 miles away- so I hope they're right! Everything is going to be new for the family as well as myself, so it's definitely going to be a learning experience for all of us. I will have my own room and private bathroom with my very own entrance. Even though it is in their house, Madame L. said that it is basically like my own apartment and I can do whatever I want with it. :)

Now all I have to do is get through the whole Visa process!AGH!

I'm sure I'll write more later, but this is about as much sense as I can make at the moment :) Wishing you all a wonderful day.

Jinxed!

2007-05-22T12:02:00.000-07:00

You'd think that by now I would know that I have a tendency to jinx myself whenever I get too excited about something so I would learn to just shut my mouth until everything is finalized---but noooooooo, I get too wrapped up in the moment and blab to EVERYONE only to have to turn around and say "Just kidding!!!"

So just to fill you in, I thought I found the "perfect" family to work for in Paris---single mom, two boys, family oriented, very friendly, studio apartment, leave in July, go on holiday with them to some island, receive extra money, work 4 days a week---blah, blah, blah. I spoke to the mom on the phone last Thursday morning and she was very friendly. We spoke in English most of the time but then she wanted me to speak in French and I SUCKED!!! It was so bad! I know I am much better than how I was over the phone, but it was just so difficult. I tried explaining to her that I can in fact speak French and I know that I will improve dramatically as soon as I become surrounded by it....but I guess that wasn't enough because I got a call from the agency this morning saying that the family had another applicant who's french was a little better so they decided to go along with her.

So needless to say, I'm feeling a little upset---I mean seriously, who gets rejected for a babysitting job?!?!?!? (look, I know it's more than just a normal babysitting job, but still, I'm pissed!)

Well, according to the agency, they have another family in mind- 3 kids, 10, 7 and 5 and should be getting me their information fairly soon SO LONG AS THEY WANT ME! But we'll see...gosh I only hope the saying "Third times a charm" proves to be right!!!!

I don't think I can handle any more of this rejection crap...

M.I.A.

2007-05-18T11:02:00.000-07:00

I'm here. I'm here. I promise! Sorry I've been a little M.I.A. lately, but it's been a crazy couple of weeks. From California to Washington DC, this girl has been busy!

Anyway, I'm getting ready to head out again, but I just wanted you to know that I'm holding my breath, because if all goes well, I should be finding something out REALLY soon!

Check in sometime next week, because I think I'm going to have some BIG news!!!!

Wishing you all a wonderful and safe weekend!

Following a different drummer

2007-05-01T20:30:00.002-07:00

"Why should we be in such desperate haste to succeed, and in such desperate enterprises? If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away."- Henry David Thoreau

I really had no idea how difficult this decision would be, let alone how much it would disappoint so many of those around me. My family has ALWAYS supported me in everything that I do- not just because they love me, but probably because I've never really strayed too far from the beaten path. But now that I've started my journey down a totally different road than they had planned, I feel more confused than I've ever felt in my entire life.

I never knew how lucky I was to always have my family rooting me on, but now that so many of them disagree with what I'm doing, I am missing that support more than anything. I feel very alone, angry, confused, frustrated, frightened---you name it, I've probably felt it at one point during the last few months.

I know that in the scheme of things, I am blowing this decision WAY out of proportion, but at this moment in my life it seems like a really big deal. I guess I just really wanted to get this all off my chest, and I felt as though the best way to vent was to get it all down in writing.

I think the worst part of all is that I'm starting to second guess myself. I'm getting scared; I'm scared that they might be right---maybe I am making a mistake---but what I'm really the most afraid of is deciding not to go through with this just because of what THEY think. It's one thing to give up if I no longer want to do this, but it's another to give up just because I'm tired of disappointing my family.

All my life I've strived to please EVERYONE around me. When you come from a divorced family you find yourself trying so hard not to leave someone out, or make them feel neglected- but you know what,you just can't do it. It's inevitable; someone is going to get hurt and be upset. I guess I just need to realize that this is part of life. PEOPLE AREN'T ALWAYS GOING TO AGREE WITH ME AND THAT'S OKAY---when it comes to my family, they may not agree with me, they may be really angry and think that I'm making the biggest mistake of my life---but they will never stop loving me. I just need to keep that in mind.

So to take a cue from Thoreau, I guess I am hearing a different drummer than everyone else in my family, but who knows, perhaps my beat will transform itself into a beautiful melody- distinct and unique from everyone else...

Just a glimpse...

2007-04-24T12:52:00.000-07:00

In case you're curious, here are just a few snap shots to give you a little glimpse into my life...

In case you couldn't tell, I like to enjoy life. My boyfriend, friends and family mean the world to me (unfortunately, my family does not want me posting any of their pics up on the internet--oh well, they'll come around eventually!) And whether you believe it or not, my girlfriends are even more beautiful on the inside than they are on the outside.

It's a Big Old World...

2007-04-18T10:31:00.000-07:00

It's a great, big, old world out there and I want to see it ALL.

(Many of you may already be familiar with the latest advances in technology that allow you to basically stalk ANYONE you choose, but if you're not, let me tell you something...YOU ARE MISSING OUT! Thanks to the likes of Facebook and MySpace, I am able to track the every moves of everyone ranging from my best friends to kids I haven't even talked to since elementary school. With such ease, I am able to keep up with the latest events such as which of my sorority sisters spent the weekend living it up in Vegas, who recently got engaged, and what the future career plans are for the soon-to-be college graduates).

Anyway, before I get too off track and completely destroy any ties that I may have had to my opening line, let me try and explain where I'm going with this...As I was taking part in my daily ritual of checking my friends' profiles on facebook, I came across T's newly updated profile (she is currently living in Colombia and about to take a tour through South East Asia). From there, I learned that three other of our acquaintances are looking to, or already have, moved abroad. One just moved to Germany, another is returning to Spain (soooo jealous) and the third is planning on getting an internship ANYWHERE outside the U.S.

As I re-read over all of this new info, goosebumps run all over my body as I imagine what it's going to be like in Paris. I have such big dreams of living and working abroad, but as of late, I have started to get a little nervous. Nervous about finding a family; scared about the unknown. But as my goosebumps subside, I realize that I have to follow through with this. Every time I hear about someone working in another country I feel a sense of excitement (and a bit of jealousy) within. I LONG to fulfill this dream of mine but sometimes it just seems so out of reach.

But it's all going to come together. It has to. Studying in Spain was just the beginning. Its now two years later and I'm getting ready to embark on another, more complex journey.After Paris, who knows where my next journey will take me.

So as I look at the map of the world I start to draw check marks over the places that I've been. U.S., Spain, France, Italy, England, Vatican City....with 187 countries left, I'd say I've got a long way to go. But I'm DEFINITELY up for the challenge.

Like I said, it's a great big world out there---and I'm determined to see as much of it as I can!

Longing for A Return to Innocence

2007-04-17T12:15:00.000-07:00

It’s days like yesterday and today that leave me longing for the innocence and naivety of my youth; a time when life was so simple, so peaceful and so carefree. As I glue my eyes and ears to the television set, I can't help but think back upon my childhood and how “safe” I felt.

The days of my youth were spent playing with barbies, picking on my younger brothers, and running from one soccer game to the next. The biggest thing I had to worry about was finishing my homework with enough time to still go out and play with the neighbors before dinner.

But somewhere along the way, I grew up. Life became more complex and I started to realize that life isn't always kind to people.

The world is not perfect.

Bad things happen to good people.

And most of the horrific events that occur during this lifetime will leave us asking "Why?" without ever offering up an answer to our questions.

Unfortunately, yesterday will go down in U.S. history as one of the most horrific shooting sprees to ever occur in our country. Marked by a cowardly act that ended too many lives all too quickly, the face of Virginia Tech, as well as this nation, has been forever changed by this tragedy. To the faculty, staff and students of Virginia Tech, may you find comfort and strength in knowing that this entire country has you in our thoughts and prayers. And to the families of the victims, may God give you a little extra strength to get through this horrific time.

Strike One

2007-04-16T09:34:00.000-07:00

She steps up to the plate, staring the pitcher dead in the eyes. "Come on, I dare you!" her eyes scream back towards the mound.

The pitcher winds up and releases the pitch.

"SSSSSTTTTTTRRRRRIIIIIIKKKKKKEEEEE!!!!!"

She steps back, heart pounding. "Whew! Alright, just calm down, you're fine. You've still got two more chances. The games not over- you've still got plenty of time to knock this baby right outta the park."

So that's where I am right now. Standing at the plate, waiting for the next pitch. I've already struck out with one family (by my own will) and now I'm forced to endure the pain of waiting for the next pitch. So now I wait. I wait for the pitcher (or more accurately, the agency) to wind up and send me another pitch (family). Am I going to let that one slide right past me and back into the catcher's glove in hopes of something better, or am I going to accept it and whack it out of the park??? Only time will tell, but for now I'd better put that bat back on my shoulder and get ready for the next pitch that comes my way.

Something's in the air...

2007-04-03T16:17:00.000-07:00

"Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death."- Anais Nin

I don't know what it is, but something new seems to be lingering around in the air lately----and I think it's going to be around for a while.

What is it you may ask? Well, I'm not quite sure myself. All I know is that with it comes big changes. I feel as though this year is going to be Big- with a capital "B"- not only for myself, but for my entire family. It's only April, and my family is already getting ready for two marriages, the birth of a great-grand baby, a new career path, a move to a new state, the completion of college, and the start at a new kind of lifestyle called "retirement"- oh yeah, and I'm moving out of the country!

I have to admit, I've never really been a fan of this 5 letter word, but I am getting more comfortable with it. A few years ago, anytime this word "change" would come about it only meant that I was about to take a trip down memory lane with thoughts that I'd rather forget about. In the past, the word "change" had always been synonymous with loss- like the loss of my "perfect" family when my parents divorced or the loss of our father-daughter relationship when my dad moved away.

But you know what? My thoughts on change have since, well... done exactly that-changed.

Yes, my parents divorced, and had you have asked me to when I was 13 years old, I would have given anything to have them back together. But you know what? If you were to ask me now, I'd tell you that I couldn't be happier with the way things turned out. I was fortunate enough to be blessed with two adoring step parents, who not only love my parents, but love me and my brothers as if we were their own flesh and blood; I finally got that "little sister" that I had always wanted (no offense Nick-you did make a pretty cute girl when you'd let me dress you up!); and what could be better than the joy that follows with the birth of a new baby brother?!?!?!

Having my dad in another state has always been difficult--probably one of the hardest "changes" that I've ever had to deal with- but ironically, I think the distance has actually made us closer. We share a special bond that not many fathers and daughter share. He is my "go-to" guy; whenever I need him, he's always there. From college essays to random facts of the day-he's the first one I turn to. So does it suck not having him close by-YES- but have we adjusted and made the best out of the situation? Absolutely.

So now instead of hiding from change, I just try my hardest to embrace it and tell myself that there must be a reason for it.

So to that "something" that seems to be lingering around in the air lately, I say this: Give me all you've got, I can handle it!

Happy Birthday, Grandma Becky

2007-03-29T10:59:00.000-07:00

You are the one who I wanted to brush my hair when I was younger because of your sweet and gentle touch.

You are the one who I always wanted to play dress up with because you would let me wear your tiara while I danced around the house in all of your pretty nightgowns.

You are the one who would let me drive on all of our magical trips to Disneyland, even though the RV never actually left the front yard.

You are the one who spoiled me rotten and treated me like your little princess.

You are the one who always had a smile on her face and an armful of hugs whenever I would come over to visit.

You are the one who played with me for hours in the pool while I splashed around pretending to be baby Shamu.

You are the one who always encouraged me to reach for the stars and to never give up.

You are the one who told me that things would be alright, even during the most difficult times in my life.

You are the one who has supported every single one of my decisions in life, even if deep down you really hoped I would have changed my mind.

You are a loving mother, wife, grandmother and friend; you are all of these things and so much more.

Today we celebrate you, Grandma Becky, and all that you have done for this family. Wishing you much continued happiness and good health in the many years to come. I love you, Grandma, and may you have a very wonderful Birthday!

My gift

2007-03-26T12:45:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while, god blesses our lives with such an incredible gift that it leaves us wondering "What did I ever do to deserve this?"

As with every day, but even more so today, I find myself in awe of the fact that I was the lucky one who received this special gift. For my entire life I've carried this gift around with me in my heart everywhere that I go. No matter how near or far I may be, it's always there when I need it- to laugh with, to cry with, to encourage and support; no matter what the occasion, this gift has always known exactly what I've needed.

So to you, mom, I want to say thank you. I couldn't have asked for a greater gift than having you as my mother. To my best friend, I wish you a very Happy Birthday!

Time to Fly

2007-03-21T12:21:00.000-07:00

It's been a long process, but today I finally get to pick up all of my translated documents---the last requirement before I send in all of my au pair paperwork.

After two months of tracking down documents, filling out paperwork, and surfing the Internet for anything with the words "Paris" and "Au Pair" in the heading, it's finally time to take the next step: send in au pair packet.

Check. Completed. Now what?

Now I sit patiently/nervously, waiting to hear back from the agency. It's all up to them now---nothing more that I can do other than keep my fingers crossed and pray that I am going to get a wonderful family; a family who will welcome me with open arms and teach me all about this beautiful culture that has intrigued me for so many years.

I've been waiting a long time and its taken quite a bit of baby steps to get to this point, but just a few more feet and I will have inched my way as far up to the edge of this cliff as I can possibly go.

Now the only thing left for me to do is to decide whether I'm going to fall off or fly....

Give me my wings; I'm ready to soar.

To My Number One Fan

2007-03-15T12:41:00.000-07:00

Considering that I've only had this blog for about 3 days now, it greatly excites me how enthusiastic one particular person is about it.

Who is it, you may ask? Well, considering that the amount of people who have actually read my blog can be counted on my two hands (with several fingers to spare), it may not be that hard to figure out---but in case you're stumped....it's the person who continues to sign his first, middle and last name onto every single birthday card, thank-you note, letter or email that he writes (no matter if it's intended for someone he just met or his own mother and father).

Yes, that's right, Michael ***** ******* II...it's you! :)

I just wanted to take a minute to tell you thank you for supporting my blog and my dreams! You have no idea how much you mean to me, and how not a day goes by that I don't think about you. You have turned into an INCREDIBLE young man, and I am so excited to see where this journey we call life is going to take you. You are amazing, Michael, and don't you ever forget that! Dream big, kid...and don't you EVER let anyone or anything stand in your way.

I love you, Mikey Tinkey...and you truly are "my number one fan"!

Love always, Dain (yes, that's right---how could we forget that know matter how brilliant you may be, you just can't quite figure the whole spelling thing out!hahahaha ONLY kidding!!!!"

P.S. To all my other siblings---DON'T WORRY---you ALL mean the world to me too!!! You''ll get your own little entry someday, so you better keep checking, because you never know when it might show up!hahaha I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!

The waiting game

2007-03-14T13:44:00.000-07:00

Here I am. Wednesday afternoon, sitting. Waiting. Watching the clock on my computer switch from 1:45 to 1:46. Just waiting.

I seem to find myself waiting a lot these days- waiting for anything but this. Just three months out of college and I have already found myself turning into "that" person. You know, the one who slowly loses sight of her own identity and is only defined by the monotonous and mundane tasks that seem to dominate her every move from the hours of 8-5pm, Monday through Friday, week after week, month after month.

"There has to be more," I tell myself as I file through the papers on my desk. "Just a few more months and this will be all worth it."

A few more months from now and I'll be packing my bags for Paris, preparing myself for an unknown journey that will undoubtedly change the course of my life. I find myself thinking about Paris almost every second of the day. It's become an emotional rollercoster as of late. One minute I'm excited, the next minute I'm terrified.

"This is going to be the greatest experience ever!"

"Oh my gosh, what if the children hate me and make every minute a living hell".

"I'm going to be welcomed into their family with open arms! I wonder where we're going on the family's vacation?!?!?"

"What if they think of me as their personal maid??? I don't know how to iron table linens!!!!"

The list goes on and on...

So as these thoughts continue to attack my brain, I try to push them aside and get back to work.

So for right now, I guess I'll just continue waiting....

So this is my decision...

2007-03-12T11:26:00.000-07:00

I'm a dreamer--always have been, always will be.

As a child, I was always fascinated with different cultures and foreign languages---especially French culture. However, growing up in Arizona, one was almost obligated to check the "Beginning Spanish I" box when signing up for the mandatory foreign language classes in middle school. From the very beginning, I loved it! I loved it so much that I continued to take Spanish throughout my high school career and even in college.

When I started college I decided that everyone and their brother knew Spanish, so I wanted to do something more---that's when I decided to take French, actually, not just take French but minor in it(while at the same time majoring in Spanish and Business-talk about an extra work load that I didn't even need to have). The fall of my Junior year I was fortunate enough to spend a semester abroad in Granada, Spain where I lived and breathed the Spanish culture everyday. It was one of the greatest times of my life--not only did I get to reside with a Spanish family, I got to experience the Spanish way of life as a young 20 year-old (it's safe to say that I put down my fare share of "chupitos gratis".

Anyway, before I get too off track, while I was in Spain I travelled to Paris for 4 days---it was the greatest experience ever! Aside from the hostel situation (the toilet was broken on our floor and the shower leaked and drenched our towels) it was INCREDIBLE! Needless to say, my love for French culture multiplied, and I told myself that "One day, I am going to live in Paris". Fast forward two years and here we are---recent college graduate (magna cum laude) with double majors, a minor and international business certificate... sans job! I have to be honest, I didn't really try that hard to find one. I had a pretty intense interview experience with the CIA that lasted for about 6 months , but after making it out to D.C. for 3 days of rigorous interviews, 4 weeks later I found out that I was "no longer competitive" for the position. Truthfully, I was disappointed, but relieved at the same time. I'm a "blabber", and my family knows everything that goes on in my life. I just couldn't see myself living a lie and not being able to tell my family what I was doing, where I was, etc. But it was definitely an experience, to say the least!

So could I have gotten a job that would have paid a decent amount, moved out of Arizona and started my life as a career-driven woman? Sure. Would I have been happy sitting in an office all day, doing the same monotonous task day in and day out? Doubt it. In the back of my mind I still had this itch to go abroad. I had several opportunities to teach English in Columbia and Venezuela, but the political and economic conditions worried me a bit, to say the least. Besides, if I was going to live abroad and work somewhere that didn't speak my language, paid next to nothing, and was in a career field that I didn't necessarily plan on ever doing in the future, then I was going to make darn sure that it was at least in a city that I wanted to be in: so that's where Paris comes in.

After doing a lot of research on working in Paris, I pretty much concluded that it's almost next to impossible for anyone outside of the EU to have that kind of opportunity. But as that door seemed to be closing in my face, I was determined to find a window that was just big enough to crawl through. And I did. My options were few, but they were at least that; "options". So what were my choices as an american looking for work in Paris? be a teacher or become a nanny- or should I say an "au pair"- (the french always manage to turn the least glamorous jobs into something that at least sounds impressive). After looking into it, the teaching thing fell through unfortunately; very slight chance of actually teaching in Paris, and definitely not a large enough stipend to live on in that city. So I finally decided to go with my final option; become an au pair.

Sure I've heard horror stories about being an au pair, but I've also heard that it can turn into something unforgettable and amazing. I know it's going to be hard work, that's for sure, but hopefully the pros will outweigh the cons. All I'm looking for is to have the chance to live in Paris, experience french culture first-hand, and become fluent by the end of my stay. And besides, IT'S ONLY ONE YEAR---and I'm young.

Unfortunately, the only downfall to this whole thing is that I'm letting most of my family down. 99% of my family is worried that I'm "throwing away my education" and using this as a means "to not grow up and enter the real world". Of course I see where they are coming from, and can understand their frustration. But if this is the only way that I can get to live in Paris right now, than I'm more than willing to make the sacrifice in order to turn this dream into a reality. Fortunately, even after they've told me time and time again that they "don't agree with it", they will undoubtedly support me if this is what I want to do- and that's why I am so thankful for each and every one of them--no matter how opinionated they may be at times :). I know they worry about how this is going to benefit me in the future without setting me back, but so do I. What am I going to do when I return from Paris? Who knows. But does life always manage to have a funny way of working itself out? yes.

So there you have it. I'm going to Paris. I'm going to be an au pair. I'm going to get paid very little and work very hard. But I'm going to Paris!