Speechless

I'm at a loss for words right now.

Life threw me a curve ball last Friday night, hitting me strait in the chest, taking my breath away- and I'm still trying to catch it.

My grandma's sick. Very, very sick actually. She has leukemia and she's dying.

I'm 7,000 miles away, without any friends or family close by and all I want is for someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me its going to be OK. But that's not going to happen- at least not anytime soon.

I'm trying to be strong, really, I am. I know I need to focus on the positives- remembering the good times, being thankful for our road trip to Oklahoma that we took this summer, finding comfort in knowing that she is not in any pain and is resting comfortably at home. But you know what, I CAN'T!

I'm pissed! I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm BEYOND devastated and there isn't anything that anyone can do or say to make this any better. I just don't understand how she can be so deathly sick- yet, just two months ago, she was perfectly fine.

Of course I knew that this day would eventually come, but I never expected it to happen like this, with me being so far away and feeling so helpless and not being able to say goodbye or even give her one last hug and kiss.

What's even worse is the fact that before I decided to go to France, one of my biggest hesitations was leaving for an entire year because, heaven forbid, what would i do if something happened to grandma or grandpa while i was away? Well, looks like I'm about to find out.

I'm sorry this is such an angry and depressing entry, but this is the best way for me to make sense of my feelings right now. So please, if you wouldn't mind, say a little prayer for my Grandma Becky and my family, because we could really use it right now.

This is just the beginning...

Dreaming Of You Tonight

I plug in the headphones and turn up the volume.

As "Radio Classique" begins to fill my room with its soothing melodies, a sigh of relief slips out from underneath my breath and I slowly realize that I have survived yet another day.

The children are in bed. The dishes are clean. And I am finally free.

It's only the end of day 14, but these last two weeks have felt like an eternity. With hundreds of emotions running through my mind every second of every day, I can't help but be exhausted. But for some reason or another, a sense of calm has overcome me tonight, and I find myself thinking not of Paris, or of how far away I am, or of how difficult things have been, but of something far more important.

Tonight, all I care to think about is my family.

As I listen to the music, I close my eyes and immediately see my father sitting outside on his patio, reading a book, with his wife by his side and their littlest playing out in the yard. In another instant, I can see my mom and John sitting out on the back porch over looking the beatiful waters of the bay, watching the sun go down as they drink their wine and enjoy each others company.

I know that I may be thousands of miles away, but, at least for tonight, I feel as though I am right there beside them.



So to all of my family and friends out there, I want you to know that I not only keep you close in my heart, but also in my dreams.

Good night and sleep tight.

I've Made It

Just wanted to let you know that I'm in paris now...I arrived a week ago and things have been non-stop ever since. Not exactly sure what I'm feeling write now---I'm just a rollercoaster of emotions at the moment, hoping I've made the right decision.

Anyway, I have no internet connection at the house. Somehow, when they told me they were moving into a new home they forgot to tell me that they are REMODELING. So things are really a mess---we have no tv, no computer, no telephone--nothing! But hopefully things will get finished fairly quickly. In the meantime, I've made McDonald's my home-away-from-home... completely loving it's free internet connection!

Anyway, I have to run, but just wanted to let you know I've made it. And hopefully I'll be able to get back to blogging before too long.

All my best!

A Thin Slice of Heaven

You say Goodbye, and I say Hello

That's pretty much what it's been like these last few weeks: goodbye, after goodbye, after goodbye.

But I'm doing alright, surprisingly.

I left Arizona on an early Tuesday morning with my air conditioning on high and my home made cd's blaring in the background. With thousands of miles of open road before me and 23 years of memories behind me, I was off.

As I drove out of town a slight smile began to creep along my face.

"Wow," I thought to myself, "I'm doing this. I'm really, really doing this."

In just a few short weeks, the goodbyes will all be over and it will finally be time to say hello.

Hello to Paris. Hello to adventure. Hello to my new life.

Cry Me a River

Reality didn't just hit me last night, it slapped me across the face.

I have been fighting back several months worth of emotions and last night I couldn't fight them back any longer, I had to let them all out.

So I cried.

And I cried.

And I even cried some more.

I don't understand how something I am so excited about and so passionate about, can make me feel more upset than I've felt in a really, REALLY long time. I knew it was going to be difficult saying goodbye, but holy crap, I didn't think it would be this hard---and I've still got a month to go!

Actually, I'm leaving my home in a week and taking a road trip out to see my dad for 2 weeks and then on to my mom's for two weeks, where I will then fly to Paris in August- so really, I only have about 10 days.

My boyfriend (whom I have been with for over 7 years now) and I have been fighting that inevitable "So what do you want to do when I'm gone? Break up or stay together" talk for a while now, and last night I attempted to break the ice. And it sucked.

Deep down I think we both know what we need to do, but neither of us want to say it out loud because once you voice it, it becomes real.

If I had my way, I would want it to play out like this: I go to Paris. I have the time of my life. I do whatever I want with whomever I want (that is, if I want to). Meanwhile, back in the states, Kyle stays home. He doesn't go out with his friends. And he DEFINITELY doesn't meet any other girls.

YEAH FREAKING RIGHT! We both know that's not going to happen, nor is it fair to expect him to sit at home and wait for me until I come back.

I just keep telling myself, "If it's meant to be, it's meant to be." But that's just a cop out.

In reality, I am scared to tears that this might actually be the end for us. What if I go over there, realize that he really is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with, but when I come home, he's met someone else and no longer wants to be with me?!?!?!? What I wouldn't give to be able to see into the future right now--at least I would have a little more peace of mind, regardless of the outcome.

So for the next 10 days I have a feeling my eyes are going to be puffy and red from all of the crying, but I'm going to try my hardest to enjoy the time that I have left before I leave. Wish me luck!