Thursday, July 12, 2007

Cry Me a River

Reality didn't just hit me last night, it slapped me across the face.

I have been fighting back several months worth of emotions and last night I couldn't fight them back any longer, I had to let them all out.

So I cried.

And I cried.

And I even cried some more.

I don't understand how something I am so excited about and so passionate about, can make me feel more upset than I've felt in a really, REALLY long time. I knew it was going to be difficult saying goodbye, but holy crap, I didn't think it would be this hard---and I've still got a month to go!

Actually, I'm leaving my home in a week and taking a road trip out to see my dad for 2 weeks and then on to my mom's for two weeks, where I will then fly to Paris in August- so really, I only have about 10 days.

My boyfriend (whom I have been with for over 7 years now) and I have been fighting that inevitable "So what do you want to do when I'm gone? Break up or stay together" talk for a while now, and last night I attempted to break the ice. And it sucked.

Deep down I think we both know what we need to do, but neither of us want to say it out loud because once you voice it, it becomes real.

If I had my way, I would want it to play out like this: I go to Paris. I have the time of my life. I do whatever I want with whomever I want (that is, if I want to). Meanwhile, back in the states, Kyle stays home. He doesn't go out with his friends. And he DEFINITELY doesn't meet any other girls.

YEAH FREAKING RIGHT! We both know that's not going to happen, nor is it fair to expect him to sit at home and wait for me until I come back.

I just keep telling myself, "If it's meant to be, it's meant to be." But that's just a cop out.

In reality, I am scared to tears that this might actually be the end for us. What if I go over there, realize that he really is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with, but when I come home, he's met someone else and no longer wants to be with me?!?!?!? What I wouldn't give to be able to see into the future right now--at least I would have a little more peace of mind, regardless of the outcome.

So for the next 10 days I have a feeling my eyes are going to be puffy and red from all of the crying, but I'm going to try my hardest to enjoy the time that I have left before I leave. Wish me luck!


blackcrag said...

Another blogfriend of mine, Carol, tells how she went to Germany for several months, breaking up with her then-boyfriend because of the same discussion, then coming back and getting back together with the boyfriend... to the point they have been married for years and have four kids.

Just saying, it could happen.

sirbarrett said...

blackcrag mentions an example that proves it all depends on where you and your partners thoughts are and that timing is key. People may grow apart for awhile while they are physically separated but that doesn't mean they will be somehow irrevocably lost. Your life is like a book. You can't skip to the last page but you can choose when you turn to the next one. And you can always start a new story at any time.